. . . . . . . did you know that i sit next to you now in the tiniest house of time?

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you float as i know you

floating_candles

in the days when i loved you more than i loved myself
i floated, like light, above water, above myself

to a dream that is hard to forget
(i never forgot)
words that were dying to be shared
as hearts, sacred
opened up to melt onto the floor

together to protect each other, to protect themselves
voices whispered
tears of the past, of the present, of the future broke
presence that would live on and become patience

© r.e.l. 11/1/14

all at once, rebellious

chaos_2sometimes i think i like chaos too much.

i can hide in it.

it’s like the chaos of a coffee shop, while concentrating.

i like to watch it build up, so that i have it, so that i can swim in it.

it soothes me to know its presence–its opposite of order.

it is rebellious, yet a container to work within, to be all things.

all at once.

it is also a puzzle, a trail to follow, to connect dots, to follow the rope on my way out.

it is me, my chaos.

© r.e.l. 10/24/14

a memoir of a special time

encapsulating every inch, touching.

i imagine how your hands clasp mine.

we are a bravery that led to senses

of understanding whispers

or of character in windows of time

of future times, slowly with deep eyes

like beautiful surrender wrapped up, frozen…

follow me to my heart that risks.

vulnerable, slow down, slower.

testing the dream, flames shift.

where your hands are a metaphor for your heart

waiting for strength and a voice

waiting to begin and not end

to feel safe and live inside me to tell me your beautiful words.

 

© r.e.l. 9/28/14

 

 

little voice

Screen Shot 2014-09-24 at 1.36.18 PM

dear little voice inside, you can have whatever you want. you choose.
your way is beautiful, its protection and opening, on cue according to rhythms and instincts. you are alive and i hear you pulse. i feel you hide and then come out with wide eyes and inviting heart. it’s perfect to shine when you do, and not because others fly by your serenity, or wish to light your fire. be you.

© r.e.l. 9/24/14

do you know that i will lay my strength beside you?

Do you know that I will lay my strength beside you and surrender? Forgive me, but it’s who I am, weakened into broken submission when I feel you close. When you are as the ocean, you are my iconic metaphor with clarity—the kind that floats by unnoticed, hides in corners, or drops to the floor.

Do you know that I have it in me to wonder if it can be brave enough for you? I’m right around the corner of your confidence, wide awake with hunger, but I need you to hold me to show me. Hold me now, I ask you, because I can’t hold myself in this way. Make all of my toes touch the floor at the same time.

Do you remember 
that I miss you? I wonder what you feel, when you believe it’s not possible to be with the me you know me to be. Am I an illusion that floats above your head while waking, that which you cannot comprehend, even to yourself? And still, I carry holes of you within me.

Do you know that my smile was always for you? It was hidden at the bottom of me. I was looking down, and within, really listening. I heard you there, when you saw my smile. I feel you know that.

Do you believe that I am typing these words just for you? I wonder if I should be there now while you read this. You are wondering why I’m not. I should have been. I made eyes with you across the room while you did though, and I lightly bit my finger in shyness as I watched you come towards me.

Do you know that I dreamed I was wrapped in you last night? You deserve an explanation for waking without me; it was a dream. It doesn’t seem fair to wait much longer, to wake to a pillow instead—where no one can see your face when you cry, to count the seconds to another day gone by before you should be.

Do you ever think of my shadows or yours when you brush against me? My tears seep through and tell you to stay with me in your presence that breathes even when it doesn’t try.

Do you remember our silent moments that connected us despite our lack of patience? I am working my way toward you. You are expression of desire met beyond imagination, by your side. You are delight at being enough to be wanted. You know what to say, even when no one else is listening. You are the experience of my teardrop. You are a gift.

Do you believe that your eyes melted me each time then and still do? Don’t give up on me. I am not going anywhere. I know that you are that which rises and you know me to be the one who senses you now, a reprise. And I heard you last night when you spoke to me with your dream, intense and beautiful. You spoke of a ride you foresee with ups and downs, receiving and holding. And now it is so close that I can taste it.

Submitted to Rebelle Society 9.20.14

© r.e.l. 9/20/14

do you know?

IMG_3422-0.JPGdo you know that i will lay my strength beside you and surrender?

do you know that i have it in me to wonder if it can be brave enough for you?

do you remember
that i miss you?

do you know that my smile was always for you? it was hidden at the bottom of me.

do you believe that i am typing these words just for you?

do you know that i dreamed i was wrapped in you last night?

do you ever think of my shadows or yours when you brush against me?

do you remember our silent moments that connected us despite our lack of patience?

do you believe that your eyes melted me each time then and still do?

© r.e.l. 9/14/14

dear precious tears

girl_rain
who are you, precious life?

stay with me in your presence
that breathes even when it doesn’t try.
you see the potential that i don’t see in myself.
you cry sometimes
and prefer to hide…
surrounded by pillows, no one can see your face,
your weakness,
and you don’t have to be something you’re not,
something you feel others expect.

dear precious tears,
it’s ok
because you only come when your heart is shining
transferring all the opposite into you.
your water is not fear or anger
but freedom.
you are expression of desire met
beyond imagination, by your side.
you are delight at being enough
to be intimate
to be wanted.
you allow me to know that my space is safe
and you know what you need to say
when no one else is listening.

you are my gift.

© r.e.l. 9/3/14

that which rises

echo_ocean3

you are that which rises.

and you know me to be the one who senses you now, a reprise.

did you know that i heard you last night when you spoke to me with your eyes?

you were the ocean then, yet not.

you were an ironic metaphor with clarity,

the kind that floats by unnoticed, hides in corners, or drops to the floor.

you were that which you cannot comprehend, even to yourself.

 

© r.e.l. 8/29/14

for someone special

…what if

dreamsthatcometrueYou love the fire. You are it, moving quickly, emulating its spark. Your miles to go in your mind, before calmed, drive you. Transfixed on you I am.

Be you, be the you I have known. Smile at me until I melt into something else. You are beyond getting my attention. You make me know why I’m alive.

And now I’m on fire because when I first saw you, recently and not, I fell in love with you. All I knew from before, relived in a moment, rejoined with all that we created then, to be continued later. You smiled when you knew I loved you then. You knew. You know now.

© r.e.l. 3/25/13

Featured on Feminine Intent on Redbubble

Posted on Medium 3/18/14

show me why

stinson beachshow me why i feel as i do now.

that i know between your thoughts
is a search for the same
as me,
you pulled my arms around you closer
when i lived in the past seconds.

that you are
bouncing back at me, a reflection
this feeling looking for me
when you saw me smile before you,
and knew as you dashed off
that my seconds would remain, ingrained in you.

that without you
i would still be spinning in my mind
day after day
intentions full and alive
but closed up
to wait another day
to see something that makes me different
when you spoke while drowning in your words
and i heard.

that as the days go by
my dreams lead me toward you
not because of me
but because of you
and who you are.

show me why
i have made the choice
to traverse the edge of crazy
to chose you.
to love you.

 

© r.e.l. 4/14/14

submitted to The Poetic Bond IIII 7/12/14

image: Stinson Beach from Mt. Tam (credits: r.e.l.)

posted on Micropoetry 6/13/14 for #reflection theme

posted on Medium 4/14/14

 

start here… you and me

Photo by Kalee Prue

Photo “ghost of past” by Kalee Prue

I don’t want to leave you, or myself, behind. When your words are near, my inner smile becomes me. When your body is standing in front of me, my heart shuts down.

Why? I feel you more now that I left, as if a piece of me is still with you. I leave it for you to care about, given freely.

Hold me now, I ask you, because I can’t hold myself in this way. Why would I want to take the place of your arms around me, pieces of us touching, filling gaps sensing all at once? How could I ever be without you after having you?

You come to me in my dream, my seed (you are), and I’m special. I’m the one you’d do that for. Our secret. And we are the way it should be. How I could not have that, I do not know.

But now, I cannot ask or show you this. I can only sit in my car alone, wait and cry over my missed opportunity. My closed heart—again, protecting itself, ego on guard standing tall against its tears. (When you’re in front of me, I want for you to be the one to say what I dream, as if I transfer my dream to you, and now it’s heard).

Instead, I walk away, and so do you, words uttered yet unheard. Too vulnerable to ask simple questions in person: Will you be with me? Can I have you?

With anticipation of us, your playfulness shining, I’m open and there. I’m ready for you. I’m ready for us. I have you. And now you’re gone… I want you more now than I imagined I could.

Here in this moment, I feel your eyes and you are hurting too, voice silenced but saying No somehow, not allowing us to be.

And now I feel that I am the one who won’t allow us to be. I can’t look into your eyes easily now as we did that first day, when we knew the mirror looking back was us. I want to hold you now with my eyes closed and just know that we both remember how it started and why.

I’m scared to even look now to see if you’re there, to see you watching me waiting for you, tears in my eyes like a cloud covering my heart, drowning instead…

The raw words that speak now tell me that I missed my chance to have you; I’m wishing you wanted me too, and wondering why you don’t. And, if I’m wrong and you do, I wonder if it’s my fault that you don’t come running, and my fault that you cannot feel me now. Do I block my heart from you?

I wonder what I have done wrong and how I can tell you so you know who I am. Without this,  I’m reaching out for something that isn’t there, or isn’t possible, where you are waiting for me to just let down my guard.

And next, I hear you tell me (in my mind), “Don’t you understand how much I want you?” (but it seems like a dream.)

If we have to start somewhere, let’s start here.

© r.e.l. 7/17/14

Published on Rebelle Society 11.12.14

even more than i imagined

seed
i’m scared to really look it in the eye
(what i really want)
because i don’t think i can have it.

i can’t keep it.

and what have i done wrong to make it so that this is so?
i’m covering my heart and drowning instead.
i want my experience to hold me
because i can’t hold myself in this way.

in my dream, the seed that is planted makes me special.
i’m ready for it.
then it’s gone when i open my eyes.
then i want it back even more than imagined i did.

 

© r.e.l. 7/16/14

 

 

i like your whisper

om_mani
i like your whisper…
from the start
you drew me in.

you don’t know this
but
i couldn’t hear
what you said,
that day.

but the words didn’t matter
it was your
whisper
that i remember.

© r.e.l. 7/14/14

a simple question

heart_broke

what i really want to say

is too real

that you are more

than i can imagine ever knowing

all of.

why is it so hard to ask you

a simple question,

the only question i have?

i miss you when the time passes

and i’m scared of being left alone

with only my words.

i want to be the answer

you’ve searched for.

 

© r.e.l. 7/8/14

 

Posted (partial) on Micropoetry 8/15/14 for #heart theme

you are me, you are my chakras

Transfixi don’t know you or how you do it, but when i’m not looking you trap me and hold me down. your arms are heaviness encapsulating me. your eyes look into me. and then i feel you grounding me, as each of my toes touch the floor at the same time and know their purpose. {root chakra}

i want you to understand something. it isn’t me, it’s you. i need you. i don’t want you to leave ever. i want to eat you up. i need to keep you close. {sacral chakra}

i have a hard time waiting, as if impatience is my path to you. run to me as i run to you, please. i’ll meet you there. hurry. i’m waiting. {solar plexus chakra}

with you i believe how precious the teardrop is. you feel me then. how could you not? i am full. i have been carrying the holes of you. i love you. {heart chakra}

do you know what i wish to say to you? how did you hear through my silent fog? it’s ok, i know how. {throat chakra}

i know before you know. it is a feeling. it’s knowlege. it’s truth. i would bet anything on it. circle back and find me. {third eye chakra}

you are like the candle flame that always burns, the one i cannot tell is you or me or we. {crown chakra}

© r.e.l. 6/17/14

in my search

growing
i know deep down
that only the right thing
is happening to me.

i speak now to you,
my dream,
my core desire,
my distraction,
which will tie us together in a balanced state.

in my search, i have been sad
because of the inability to find
the part of you that is me.

but now i have it
when i can see your face in the present,
in person,
i am not worrying.

you tell me not to fade away,
to rest
and so i do.

© r.e.l. 4/23/14

Posted (partial) on Micropoetry 8/22/14 for #search theme

the look in your eye

you know how sometimes
the stars have a mind
of their own
as they move on their way
to find the best way
to mix with the look in your eye?

in your eyes
i see
the same

© r.e.l. 2/27/11

posted for Poetry Potluck week 24 (2/27-3/5/11)

featured in FREEDOM IN WORDS & ART on redbubble

shared on Ethereal Heights

posted (partial) on Micropoetry

posted on Medium

submitted to The Poetic Bond IIII  7/12/14

i want to sit back in our dream

i want to sit back in our dream
in our chairs in the sun one afternoon
and just know we did it, the right thing.

when i finally said the right words
when you finally felt soothed and knew you could not return
to the life you once knew, nevermore.

when you finally said it right this time
you convinced me
your mind spoke, while drowning
and then it smiled, while crying
somehow getting through to me, it worked.

with me from that moment on
when i was there for you and you for me
in those moments when you heard my words
the time you looked in my eyes, pulled my arms around you closer.

you are the bright side of forever
a feeling that had been looking for me
it saw who i was
and sent me to you.

i had you
you saw me smile before you dashed off
knowing that my seconds would remain ingrained in your brain.

© r.e.l. 3/2/14

 

Submitted to the POETRY magazine

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