she wanted

she kept asking
the same question over and over
wanting to be inside him, to hear him speak
anything would do

answers that excluded him in her process
were not what she wanted to hear
she wanted him to guide her
by taking her hand

she chose him for a reason that stood
in front of her one day
and planted her waiting for him to pass
he was meant to become
a part of her

she wanted to tell him this
but she wanted it to last in his heart
and be held by him when he fell asleep at night
its essence on one of his pillows
she wanted to be special

she never lost hope in the silence between them
it was all she could do
to remember
his imaginary hand on her heart
helping her breathe

she grew up alone
reminded of her wish for his arms
around her, and where was he
sad of her successes without him
he became the ones she pursued
the ones who loved her
and then ridiculed her for loving

she learned early on
how to be provocative and walk away
to not connect was to protect her vulnerable heart
what she really wanted though
was for him to follow her
she wanted him to read her
she didn’t know how to ask that question

through waves of time
and heartbreaks
she learned how to protect herself
she loved
she became extraordinary
she yearned to be taken but was afraid to ask

© r.e.l. 6/25/17
 
for AllPoetry

Advertisements

something important inside her

fierysunset

…her eyes open to faint breathing. she reaches her foot out to touch his, and then his arms pull her toward him. breathing together, she knows their chemistry defines them.

…in that moment, she isn’t thinking about details in their lives that intersect, and that maybe they could celebrate those some day. she just wants him. all of him. she knows that it will all happen again. and again.

…in his absence, especially when she is cold, she imagines what he is saying to her in her ear. this protects her, living in precious memories that take over.

…feeling his heartbeat weighs on her as a comfort. inhales move all of what they’ve become through her, and exhales savor. he is a conduit to something important inside her.

© r.e.l. 12/11/16

hesitation quieted

balasanai am asked
by somewhere inside me
to move carefully
through you.

you can feel when i
enter the space
between us,

a field where
you are a question
calmly waiting
for me.

every time i clear my mind
to surrender
you invite me
to stay with you.

a hesitation now quieted…
i am not afraid to love you
before you are asking.

© r.e.l. 8/23/16

Posted for challenge #37 on  Prose

do you find it hard to believe

footsteps_sandwhenever you want to find me
don’t forget
i’m there in your heart
believe it

it’s ok to cry
please cry now
tell me how you really feel
when you can’t breathe right
come and find me
i’ll take care of you
this has been true
since i first saw you

you are in love with me
i feel
do you find it hard to believe
that i could ever love you too?
is that why your eyes tear up
when you breathe?
all you need to do is
find me and tell me
show me who you are

what if it’s true
and i tell you that
i am in love with you
already

©r.e.l. 8/4/16

before becoming

sunset=beforebecomingit was a time

when we have a view, a space

consoling colors reflecting along our ritual

before minds meet as words

before peace arises through channels that met their end

and healed their hearts

before becoming whole

i see us now

© r.e.l. 6/19/16

 

just watch me

sky2

somewhere between then and now
between forever long ago and the future
there is a gap
you are in it

i already love you
no need to wonder
where my mind goes in moments
when our eyes meet

you’re inside me
as a voice that knows me better
than i could
opened to you
to whisper for me
grounding me with your eyes
that touch

i might melt
faster than i ever have
just watch me

© r.e.l. 5/18/16

Posted on Prose

you let yourself

encinitassunset

be patient
i’m not just saying that
as if it’s cliché
i’m afraid of you
and i need time
to delve into you
to trust the look in your eye

i know how many times
i’ve fallen for you
and i know when it’s time
to feel the way
your fingertips feel
when i imagine them
walking toward me

i am nervous to see you again
always. why? because
you paid attention to me.
we sat on the beach and you
listened, and you let yourself
lie down and watch
the sunset with me
until it went down.
completely

© r.e.l. 1/21/16

 

see us, gazing

LL Ori_Orion Nebula_NASA_HubbleThis is me and you saving the part that you want me to admit the answer to. That the parts between us want to touch, no different than before when we first began exploring about me and you, not lying through my smile.

Remember when I heard you whisper the first time, and you heard me without my speaking? I want to return to that moment, and state of being too. We were powerful then bridging beyond words to a place where sentences and phrases didn’t matter. The spirit speaks when musing and delight take over, along with wonders and desires to know more, to know everything.

My look toward you, into you, was authentic. Was it sad? You knew without a smile what I wanted. You knew as I grabbed my stuff, strong and powerful. You knew where I’d find you in my mind within moments. You knew you’d be there too.

And still I can’t help but cry a little that you didn’t take me away with you in that moment and whisper in my ear the words I’ve known, the language, the words floating above us waiting to be spoken.

When you placed my head gently against yours to hold me closer, I felt all that you know. I heard you say why but you know the answer and its source; because it’s still the same, hidden in your anger, in your lure and my regard. You no longer see through; you connect. You are there now with your eyes. I feel the difference in me now and then, in morning and in evening. My gage is you.

I want to be magic–a force you gravitate toward without reason and even smile when you know the reason. As you are dear to me, especially when I wake, especially when I’m tired. Your fingers run along my arm toward my heart, reminding me to never forget who I am.

An active clarity shining like roots, interspersed inside keeping us safe. My heart knows in silence how you link to aspiring my insides awake. I can write my way to you just as I look up in the sky at a cloud as I float.

Don’t you think that it’s time to be more than we are, more than our eyes sensing. You can take me now to the part where our worlds collide in the dimly-lit room. A candle lights the way to look at what we are, still eyes gazing in the direction of us, shadows behind us flickering.

© r.e.l. 10/8/15

Submitted to Rebelle Society 10/13/15

what flows through you

drifter_boat
i don’t even know you
anymore, as i used to find you
frequently
actually, every time i closed my eyes
or not

you were in the mist, in the wind, in the flame
and in the sands falling grain by grain
keeping time
that i don’t notice

i followed you more than most things–
thoughts or activities
drifting toward you
unknowingly, intentionally
with confidence, with clarity

and now you are silenced
my voice
questioning
am i that difficult to forgive
what is it that flows through you
to me
and back into you
my arrow
my wish

i wrote this for you
so that you would hear me
again

© r.e.l. 9/15/15

i sent this to you now

Image source: David Whyte http://www.davidwhyte.com/

Image source: David Whyte http://www.davidwhyte.com/

i sent this to you now because i know there’s no agenda in the silence.

although it may seem i’m timid, aloof or afraid, i surrender to you… disappearing like morning sometimes.

please don’t be scared. forgive. forgive like i can almost see you.

it’s better to laugh it out. at your heart, but never disregard.

mean the world to me. my wounds remind me of you, and look forward to me being precious to you.

© r.e.l. 5/16/15

please don’t tell me to go hug myself

YogaTattooSelf-Hug

I have rose petals on my mind. They are lined up, as if placed mindfully by one person who cared. This person cares that the rose petals were all lined up, each touching, following each other to shore on their path to me. They are floating in the warm ocean toward me, direction swerving as the waves transmute the ocean.

These rose petals have something. They are love, ashore in my life. I am the ocean. I am floating now. This is all that needs to be said.

It is obvious that I have a big heart, and love only men who don’t know how to love yet wear an armor with a heart on it to disguise their brick walls they quickly build when real love—mine—comes along.

That doesn’t diminish my heart. So, Valentine’s Day, please don’t tell me to Go Hug Yourself or imagine your romantic adventures pictured on your billboards. (I plan to eat your chocolate samples and take a nap.)

You, the one I devote myself to, are expecting me to be someone… you’re waiting for it to happen, as if it’s up to me to turn you on by unleashing all of who I am. But in order for me to be all things, I need to do it in the right order. You need to Be Someone too. I need to first get to know your kisses, the look in your eye, the way you hold yourself, how to come closer to or move farther away when you feel overwhelmed, how to know if you’re overwhelmed or actually don’t know how to ask for me to come closer.

If you were here now in front of me, looking into me, I would tell you about my heart. I would tell you about its secret wish that I promised to fall in love and never leave it. It’s hiding alone, willing me to see its angles and curves first that blinded you and me. It is pure, speaking only in silence, waiting for us to argue it away or brush it aside as something else so that then it is what’s left, and believed. It won’t wait now — staring at us, smiling from within, feeling liberated. People will say we are in love.

I want to capture it in a story to tell myself until you are here, and I can practice my endearment speaking not away from you, but into you; I’m not afraid anymore to be real, to be spoken, to be inside you.

You are beautiful to me in ways I knew early on. I wanted to wait though until I felt you inside, until I loved you in the most precious way—from within me. I wanted to wait until the anxiousness and weeds that covered the truth dwindled and blew away, so that the complication wouldn’t ruin us in our sensitive ways, wounded hearts wild and uncompromising.

Caged for a while, with new freedom to be anyone it chooses, it is now volatile and unconditional. It’s safe when loved and alive yet destructive, needing to feel its pain and the process of knowing it’s okay—that love is okay—as I learn to trust my bruises.

When I write to you now, I feel safe finally, as if I have given myself permission (or you have) to love you inside you now, no armor needed. I love you, I do.

© r.e.l. 2/3/15

Published on Rebelle Society 2.13.15

Image source: tumbler (unknown)

you can’t hide that from me

coffee_thoughtYou are an enigma.
This is about you
and the secret you keep behind your eyes.
It’s unreal to me that you could be there for me.
I see your smile
when you look at me from the place inside you
that is for me,
in the moments when we are touching
or even speaking
as if it’s not happening
when it’s what I want the most
to be cherished by you.

You can’t hide that from me.
It’s not unreal.
When you come to me, I see you with a sixth sense.
You have words but are silent.
I can hear you with your eyes that are blue and clear
staring into me.
Just a tilt of you head
as you hide behind your glass halfway
is enough for me to see
all of it.
My breath is gentle as you come closer, seconds taking minutes.
We are in slow motion and I want that to last.
I want to continue to see your heart beating…

You are more real to me than most things.
I want you in a precious way.
A world is formed
without speaking,
not desperate, or touched with broken hearts.
I don’t know what time it is and it doesn’t matter how long we are here.

I can hear you behind your face that cringes
with the power of the world on your shoulders
against us.
I look into your eyes.
I want to know the secret of you
but you won’t tell me
so I find it
through days or weeks,
through many words and senses.
I can hear you still
even in your fingertips
that lightly brush against me.
You want me in a way that I hold dear.

I believe in your conviction
to your heart
to your trust
and you won’t lie to me.
I find it through the pauses between sentences, unwritten
or smiles that you can’t hold back
(and lips that know me).

I want to sit next to you and hold your hand
and know you are near.
I want to take care of you,
your emotions, your world,
as if I am holding your hand to help you think.
I don’t want you to ask me questions
because you already know the answers.
I know you are near even when you aren’t.
We already have many questions
with responses
throbbing inside of us.
I want to take you home with me
and get tangled in memories, in us.

© r.e.l. 12/14/14

Published on Rebelle Society 1.3.15

Image source: unknown

tell me why, as we sat on a bench

image: daniel marquardt

you loved me.

i dare you to do it again, like the waves that crashed into our scene, unannounced.

we were sitting on a bench as the bus came by.

we didn’t take it.

we were there instead.

inside ourselves, building us.

 

tell me why we keep that memory a secret

from our days today, alive and awake

with present words and thoughts and senses…

tell me why that day goes unnoticed now,

the day we knew that you were a part of me…

 

© r.e.l. 11/9/14

 

image: Daniel Marquardt (Heart Nebula)

do you know?

IMG_3422-0.JPGdo you know that i will lay my strength beside you and surrender?

do you know that i have it in me to wonder if it can be brave enough for you?

do you remember
that i miss you?

do you know that my smile was always for you? it was hidden at the bottom of me.

do you believe that i am typing these words just for you?

do you know that i dreamed i was wrapped in you last night?

do you ever think of my shadows or yours when you brush against me?

do you remember our silent moments that connected us despite our lack of patience?

do you believe that your eyes melted me each time then and still do?

© r.e.l. 9/14/14