f*ck you, valentine’s day

heart_candle2

Fuck You! That says a lot, but does it really?

The extent to which I feel it is not adequately described with a common phrase. Dear Love, you do not remind me of red hearts right now.

You do not remind me of champagne and bubble baths for two, with chocolate kisses mixed in. You do not entice me to smile or make Valentines. You make me want to cry.

I haven’t cried though because it’s more fun to curse you and all of your celebrations — especially your presumption that all beings who wish to buy food on a given day also wish to be reminded of you. What do you expect me to do? I am the one who was left, the one whose heart was trampled on.

Should I buy paper and paste and send myself half a Valentine with a rigid break in the middle, with blood still crusty on the edges of its break? How do I depict the scars that have built upon each other, one atop the other in layers, in breaks?

Each break is different, so it’s not like they are all piled up nicely for display.

I don’t want to give you the power to allow me to cry now. You are only a fucking holiday. You are only trying to make money off of the unsuspecting, love-struck souls who have bubble hearts floating above their clouded hearts. You make plenty. You have them.

You think you have love too. But, think again. I didn’t say Fuck Love, I said Fuck You. You are a reminder to all of the brokenhearted that they should just go home and cry. You remind me not to paint my toenails red.

The worst part is that you make me want to hate love. Nice try. I don’t. I only hate you. But instead of celebrating love today, I want to wear black, and hide in a cave. All in your honor.

From there, I think I will make you a Valentine, as I sit here telling the fire these words. The fire is watching me type. I am being told that I should burn you up. To purify you? To purify myself? Truly, I hope you feel the pain and have no one to rescue you with water, no one to pat you until you are free.

I hope you die before you wake up.

And now, I just cried.

Originally published on Rebelle Society 2.11.14

Advertisements

the magic of my histories

I move.  I feel.  My blood carries my life.

I am still.  I look inside the calm waters… and here I find the truth of who I am.

Jeff Klein says it well in his article ‘Moving Again’:  The quality of our life depends on how we move, and on how we embrace the stillness as an essential element in the cycle of movement..

When overwhelming energies arise, can’t I see that the water is only clear when I allow myself to move what reaches out, running evermore inside..? Whether difficulty or pure joy, I can push it away as if to be scared when it is too overpowering…

When whatever it is has moved through me to its end though, with an ‘ahhh‘ the sun comes out and shines on the tranquility, piercing it with clarity.  🙂

I imagine being immersed in a calm and clear patch of ocean, seeing clearly in all directions.  Yet, looking above, I occasionally see waves above moving past.  When I accept it, I can watch the intense moments transform to a gem that whispers the answer, just as the ocean wave becomes the calm ocean.

Even if I seem to be searching without knowing exactly what I am looking for, I can see that it is still there if I invite the intensity.  It is trying to touch me with the truth….

We have known since Einstein that everything is energy — just alive in different forms. It is in the magic of my history that I can find the treasures, carved out of my bones, my heart, my dreams, my teardrops.   To look at this beauty is to watch time stand still, to let go, and to become one with the mystery.

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they fill the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

© r.e.l. 11/24/10

breathless inspiration

Kevala kumbhaka transfixed inspiration melts us, ” as eloquently put by Stuart Sovatsky in his book, Your Perfect Lips: A Spiritual-Erotic Memoir.

Spontaneously breathless awe or serenity is what life should be about.  In every moment, in all that we do.  Can you imagine this?

Just the happy days, with freedom and no plans for what will be.  Does it seem possible?  It is in a feeling, not to be described with usual words spoken to describe life.

The sense that you lose your breath and it doesn’t matter.  Your heart stops to stare at time in a moment that also stops. It is Tantra.

It melts me to think of  how you would be here this morning, but this memory is only a moment in time — a time that happens any time.  So, I let go of time.

I feel your wind whisper to me anyway in my transfixed melting moment dans ma cœur.  Thank you.

© r.e.l. 10/14/10

the art of letting go: speaking with your unconscious

Continuing on from coming into wholeness… I want to talk about the unconscious.  It is here that we are driven.  The largest part  of our psyche is the unconscious, in the same way that most of an iceberg is actually underwater.  A lot of the unconscious is the “shadow,” according to Jung.

The art of “letting go” is the way we drop our worries and pinpointed desires from our minds so that they no longer control us.  All that we try to let go, all the activity in our minds that over-thinks, all the agitation, and all that keeps us from reaching our dreams is sourced here in the unconscious.

It is normally not so simple to overcome.  If we are not able to express ourselves from the core of who we are because we feel uncomfortable doing so, and we are not sure why, it’s because we are blocked.

Dreams are a wonderful way to access our unconscious. Dream interpretation is a way to talk to this “person” who is dreaming.  To enter into any sort of dialog with the dream, regardless of the philosophy, is a step toward unleashing the material from your unconscious mind and allowing it to settle in the conscious mind.

Once this unconscious material is freed, regardless of your method, you will most likely feel a range of emotions from elation to discomfort.  Don’t be alarmed by this, as it will pass quickly 🙂  It is all part of the process of moving the energy…

The unconscious can be reached in deep meditation too, even as meditation-in-motion in a strong yoga asana practice which leads to mental and emotional stillness.  The trick is to stay focused on the right meditative tools so that you can train your mind to observe unconsciously as the energy unfolds while you are awake.  It can be confusing while awake to determine which is conscious and which is unconscious,  so this requires pure stillness in your mind in order to access it.

Alternatively, some people are able to enter into a dialog with their child self.

You can be sure that whatever is most important to you will come up in a dream or deep meditation! Figuring this out is the key.  It is sometimes not easy (or impossible) to remember dreams.  Setting an intention before sleeping, as well as creating a special dream log book with a flashlight is a start to getting in the groove of remembering.  As you give attention to your dreams, you will more easily remember them and all the details.

Interpreting the unconscious, whether in nighttime dreams or in meditation, can be fun as you learn your symbolism. It is fun to bounce the ideas off others too.  However, all symbols are yours alone.  Even though people have created symbolism dictionaries, the symbolism to each person is unique in its own way. [Although if you read one of these dictionaries, you will take on some of the symbolism!]  Once you have determined your own, it is fun figure out!

Even if you have a conscious recognition of unconscious material that feels disturbing, this can change completely if you figure out the source behind it all.  Once you do so, you will feel the shift on an emotional level!

All reaction is unconscious.  If you are conscious, you never react; you act. Action is conscious; reaction is unconscious.
~ Osho ~

© r.e.l. 9/23/10

from here

from here
in the space absent of you
i have more power to give.

erased are your doubts
gone is the pressure
to be more than i am
for now i can see
that in you, you saw
a perfect soul
and it was me.

your answer to life was me
all questions answered
since the first day i came
into your heart
and i in you
you are a resonance
of my perfect heart
beating
you looked after me like a brother
a best friend.

i find now
that in letting go of something
there is a hidden treasure
to be found
in the experience.

i have found what means the most.

© r.e.l. 6/4/10

photo from Project 365 app: http://bit.ly/5G0JwQ (via Michele Kamenar)

this post is for Poetry Potluck Week 14 on Jingle Poetry

thanks so much to Jingle for this Best Poet Friend Award on Jingle Poetry