she wanted

she kept asking
the same question over and over
wanting to be inside him, to hear him speak
anything would do

answers that excluded him in her process
were not what she wanted to hear
she wanted him to guide her
by taking her hand

she chose him for a reason that stood
in front of her one day
and planted her waiting for him to pass
he was meant to become
a part of her

she wanted to tell him this
but she wanted it to last in his heart
and be held by him when he fell asleep at night
its essence on one of his pillows
she wanted to be special

she never lost hope in the silence between them
it was all she could do
to remember
his imaginary hand on her heart
helping her breathe

she grew up alone
reminded of her wish for his arms
around her, and where was he
sad of her successes without him
he became the ones she pursued
the ones who loved her
and then ridiculed her for loving

she learned early on
how to be provocative and walk away
to not connect was to protect her vulnerable heart
what she really wanted though
was for him to follow her
she wanted him to read her
she didn’t know how to ask that question

through waves of time
and heartbreaks
she learned how to protect herself
she loved
she became extraordinary
she yearned to be taken but was afraid to ask

© r.e.l. 6/25/17
 
for AllPoetry

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hesitation quieted

balasanai am asked
by somewhere inside me
to move carefully
through you.

you can feel when i
enter the space
between us,

a field where
you are a question
calmly waiting
for me.

every time i clear my mind
to surrender
you invite me
to stay with you.

a hesitation now quieted…
i am not afraid to love you
before you are asking.

© r.e.l. 8/23/16

Posted for challenge #37 on  Prose

do you find it hard to believe

footsteps_sandwhenever you want to find me
don’t forget
i’m there in your heart
believe it

it’s ok to cry
please cry now
tell me how you really feel
when you can’t breathe right
come and find me
i’ll take care of you
this has been true
since i first saw you

you are in love with me
i feel
do you find it hard to believe
that i could ever love you too?
is that why your eyes tear up
when you breathe?
all you need to do is
find me and tell me
show me who you are

what if it’s true
and i tell you that
i am in love with you
already

©r.e.l. 8/4/16

before becoming

sunset=beforebecomingit was a time

when we have a view, a space

consoling colors reflecting along our ritual

before minds meet as words

before peace arises through channels that met their end

and healed their hearts

before becoming whole

i see us now

© r.e.l. 6/19/16

 

see us, gazing

LL Ori_Orion Nebula_NASA_HubbleThis is me and you saving the part that you want me to admit the answer to. That the parts between us want to touch, no different than before when we first began exploring about me and you, not lying through my smile.

Remember when I heard you whisper the first time, and you heard me without my speaking? I want to return to that moment, and state of being too. We were powerful then bridging beyond words to a place where sentences and phrases didn’t matter. The spirit speaks when musing and delight take over, along with wonders and desires to know more, to know everything.

My look toward you, into you, was authentic. Was it sad? You knew without a smile what I wanted. You knew as I grabbed my stuff, strong and powerful. You knew where I’d find you in my mind within moments. You knew you’d be there too.

And still I can’t help but cry a little that you didn’t take me away with you in that moment and whisper in my ear the words I’ve known, the language, the words floating above us waiting to be spoken.

When you placed my head gently against yours to hold me closer, I felt all that you know. I heard you say why but you know the answer and its source; because it’s still the same, hidden in your anger, in your lure and my regard. You no longer see through; you connect. You are there now with your eyes. I feel the difference in me now and then, in morning and in evening. My gage is you.

I want to be magic–a force you gravitate toward without reason and even smile when you know the reason. As you are dear to me, especially when I wake, especially when I’m tired. Your fingers run along my arm toward my heart, reminding me to never forget who I am.

An active clarity shining like roots, interspersed inside keeping us safe. My heart knows in silence how you link to aspiring my insides awake. I can write my way to you just as I look up in the sky at a cloud as I float.

Don’t you think that it’s time to be more than we are, more than our eyes sensing. You can take me now to the part where our worlds collide in the dimly-lit room. A candle lights the way to look at what we are, still eyes gazing in the direction of us, shadows behind us flickering.

© r.e.l. 10/8/15

Submitted to Rebelle Society 10/13/15

what flows through you

drifter_boat
i don’t even know you
anymore, as i used to find you
frequently
actually, every time i closed my eyes
or not

you were in the mist, in the wind, in the flame
and in the sands falling grain by grain
keeping time
that i don’t notice

i followed you more than most things–
thoughts or activities
drifting toward you
unknowingly, intentionally
with confidence, with clarity

and now you are silenced
my voice
questioning
am i that difficult to forgive
what is it that flows through you
to me
and back into you
my arrow
my wish

i wrote this for you
so that you would hear me
again

© r.e.l. 9/15/15

your wandering heart

the_answers

if you saw through my eyes and heart to who you are to me, maybe it would be different for you now in your mind that wanders.

if you saw my teardrops when i think of the way you turn away when i say it wrong, maybe you’d know the truth.

if you remind me of someone who i hurt deeply or who hurt me, maybe you’d know that any word or look could activate that and become you.

if you heard me explain through my wounds, maybe you could feel yourself and me better and then know why i am shielding you from me.

if you knew that i could and desire to protect you and know exactly what to do and how to hold you, maybe you would feel content now just imagining it.

if you knew that every day i imagine where you are and wonder if i could find you in my days, maybe you’d look for me.

if you knew just how much i care and my capacity to love, maybe you could feel my vulnerable self who worries that it would overwhelm you.

if you only knew just how much i could love you…

if you only knew what a hole your absence leaves, maybe you would come back to me.

if you knew how turned on i am just to be by your side, maybe your heart would smile when you saw me.

if you knew how awkward it is for me too to be alone, maybe you would see yourself in my mirror.

if you knew that i already know you from my dream last night, maybe that would help you live in the present right now and connect with me in the spaces between us.

if you knew that to look in your eyes revives me, maybe you would look into me more and see who you are to me.

if you settled into your true self and asked yourself ‘why?’, maybe your answer would be my voice and then you’d know.

if you truly become your heart, you will really feel me… do you still think i don’t care?

if you feel your breath the way i do, sense your presence the way i do, hold your moments the way i do, you would know how much you are loved.

© r.e.l. 2/25/15

Received Perfect Poet Award for Thursday Poets Rally week 81 on Hyde Park Poetry. thank you…

Published on Rebelle Society {poetry} 5.26.15

you can’t hide that from me

coffee_thoughtYou are an enigma.
This is about you
and the secret you keep behind your eyes.
It’s unreal to me that you could be there for me.
I see your smile
when you look at me from the place inside you
that is for me,
in the moments when we are touching
or even speaking
as if it’s not happening
when it’s what I want the most
to be cherished by you.

You can’t hide that from me.
It’s not unreal.
When you come to me, I see you with a sixth sense.
You have words but are silent.
I can hear you with your eyes that are blue and clear
staring into me.
Just a tilt of you head
as you hide behind your glass halfway
is enough for me to see
all of it.
My breath is gentle as you come closer, seconds taking minutes.
We are in slow motion and I want that to last.
I want to continue to see your heart beating…

You are more real to me than most things.
I want you in a precious way.
A world is formed
without speaking,
not desperate, or touched with broken hearts.
I don’t know what time it is and it doesn’t matter how long we are here.

I can hear you behind your face that cringes
with the power of the world on your shoulders
against us.
I look into your eyes.
I want to know the secret of you
but you won’t tell me
so I find it
through days or weeks,
through many words and senses.
I can hear you still
even in your fingertips
that lightly brush against me.
You want me in a way that I hold dear.

I believe in your conviction
to your heart
to your trust
and you won’t lie to me.
I find it through the pauses between sentences, unwritten
or smiles that you can’t hold back
(and lips that know me).

I want to sit next to you and hold your hand
and know you are near.
I want to take care of you,
your emotions, your world,
as if I am holding your hand to help you think.
I don’t want you to ask me questions
because you already know the answers.
I know you are near even when you aren’t.
We already have many questions
with responses
throbbing inside of us.
I want to take you home with me
and get tangled in memories, in us.

© r.e.l. 12/14/14

Published on Rebelle Society 1.3.15

Image source: unknown

a memoir of a special time

trees_pisaencapsulating every inch, touching.

i imagine how your hands clasp mine.

we are a bravery that led to senses.

of understanding whispers, or of character in windows of time.

of future times, slowly with deep eyes.

like beautiful surrender wrapped up, frozen…

follow me to my heart that risks. vulnerable, slow down, slower. testing the dream, flames shift.

where your hands are a metaphor for your heart waiting for strength and a voice, waiting to begin and not end. to feel safe and live inside me to tell me your beautiful words.

 

© r.e.l. 9/28/14

 

 

that which rises

echo_ocean3

you are that which rises.

and you know me to be the one who senses you now, a reprise.

did you know that i heard you last night when you spoke to me with your eyes?

you were the ocean then, yet not.

you were an ironic metaphor with clarity,

the kind that floats by unnoticed, hides in corners, or drops to the floor.

you were that which you cannot comprehend, even to yourself.

 

© r.e.l. 8/29/14

for someone special

even more than i imagined

seed
i’m scared to really look it in the eye
(what i really want)
because i don’t think i can have it.

i can’t keep it.

and what have i done wrong to make it so that this is so?
i’m covering my heart and drowning instead.
i want my experience to hold me
because i can’t hold myself in this way.

in my dream, the seed that is planted makes me special.
i’m ready for it.
then it’s gone when i open my eyes.
then i want it back even more than imagined i did.

 

© r.e.l. 7/16/14

 

 

a simple question

heart_broke

what i really want to say

is too real

that you are more

than i can imagine ever knowing

all of.

why is it so hard to ask you

a simple question,

the only question i have?

i miss you when the time passes

and i’m scared of being left alone

with only my words.

i want to be the answer

you’ve searched for.

 

© r.e.l. 7/8/14

 

Posted (partial) on Micropoetry 8/15/14 for #heart theme

in my search

growing
i know deep down
that only the right thing
is happening to me.

i speak now to you,
my dream,
my core desire,
my distraction,
which will tie us together in a balanced state.

in my search, i have been sad
because of the inability to find
the part of you that is me.

but now i have it
when i can see your face in the present,
in person,
i am not worrying.

you tell me not to fade away,
to rest
and so i do.

© r.e.l. 4/23/14

Posted (partial) on Micropoetry 8/22/14 for #search theme

the shape of you

myview950the shape of you
has a ghost
always with me
in my mind
your hand clasped in mine.
you give me your mind
to steer
i take it
there’s something of me in you.

until our story can continue, inevitably…
its metaphors already…
when in a gaze
all is known
all is accepted

i’m there with you then

© r.e.l. 1/5/14

Published on Medium 3/16/14

Published (first half) in Micropoetry 2/6/14

all in one long sentence

rose_q&aand so it goes…
there is so much to remember,
that as i sit here to think
nothing comes.
(at least in this moment)

yet, all—at the same time…

why is it that my body feels
all that is
all that was
all that will be again?

the truth is
that there are words to express
what you mean to me
but it would take a lifetime
to say
(all in one long sentence)

there is no question about it

© r.e.l. 4/6/13

photo by Alex Theory

submitted to Every Writer 3/7/14

submitted to caesura 2/5/14

featured in Freedom in Words & Art on Redbubble

featured in Freedom to Shine on Redbubble

featured in Feminine Intent on Redbubble

featured in Poetry*Daily (4/24/13 Twitter)

posted on Medium 3/18/14

posted on Micropoetry 7/12/14 for #remember theme