she wanted

she kept asking
the same question over and over
wanting to be inside him, to hear him speak
anything would do

answers that excluded him in her process
were not what she wanted to hear
she wanted him to guide her
by taking her hand

she chose him for a reason that stood
in front of her one day
and planted her waiting for him to pass
he was meant to become
a part of her

she wanted to tell him this
but she wanted it to last in his heart
and be held by him when he fell asleep at night
its essence on one of his pillows
she wanted to be special

she never lost hope in the silence between them
it was all she could do
to remember
his imaginary hand on her heart
helping her breathe

she grew up alone
reminded of her wish for his arms
around her, and where was he
sad of her successes without him
he became the ones she pursued
the ones who loved her
and then ridiculed her for loving

she learned early on
how to be provocative and walk away
to not connect was to protect her vulnerable heart
what she really wanted though
was for him to follow her
she wanted him to read her
she didn’t know how to ask that question

through waves of time
and heartbreaks
she learned how to protect herself
she loved
she became extraordinary
she yearned to be taken but was afraid to ask

© r.e.l. 6/25/17
 
for AllPoetry

start here… you and me

Photo by Kalee Prue

Photo “ghost of past” by Kalee Prue

I don’t want to leave you, or myself, behind. When your words are near, my inner smile becomes me. When your body is standing in front of me, my heart shuts down.

Why? I feel you more now that I left, as if a piece of me is still with you. I leave it for you to care about, given freely.

Hold me now, I ask you, because I can’t hold myself in this way. Why would I want to take the place of your arms around me, pieces of us touching, filling gaps sensing all at once? How could I ever be without you after having you?

You come to me in my dream, my seed (you are), and I’m special. I’m the one you’d do that for. Our secret. And we are the way it should be. How I could not have that, I do not know.

But now, I cannot ask or show you this. I can only sit in my car alone, wait and cry over my missed opportunity. My closed heart—again, protecting itself, ego on guard standing tall against its tears. (When you’re in front of me, I want for you to be the one to say what I dream, as if I transfer my dream to you, and now it’s heard).

Instead, I walk away, and so do you, words uttered yet unheard. Too vulnerable to ask simple questions in person: Will you be with me? Can I have you?

With anticipation of us, your playfulness shining, I’m open and there. I’m ready for you. I’m ready for us. I have you. And now you’re gone… I want you more now than I imagined I could.

Here in this moment, I feel your eyes and you are hurting too, voice silenced but saying No somehow, not allowing us to be.

And now I feel that I am the one who won’t allow us to be. I can’t look into your eyes easily now as we did that first day, when we knew the mirror looking back was us. I want to hold you now with my eyes closed and just know that we both remember how it started and why.

I’m scared to even look now to see if you’re there, to see you watching me waiting for you, tears in my eyes like a cloud covering my heart, drowning instead…

The raw words that speak now tell me that I missed my chance to have you; I’m wishing you wanted me too, and wondering why you don’t. And, if I’m wrong and you do, I wonder if it’s my fault that you don’t come running, and my fault that you cannot feel me now. Do I block my heart from you?

I wonder what I have done wrong and how I can tell you so you know who I am. Without this,  I’m reaching out for something that isn’t there, or isn’t possible, where you are waiting for me to just let down my guard.

And next, I hear you tell me (in my mind), “Don’t you understand how much I want you?” (but it seems like a dream.)

If we have to start somewhere, let’s start here.

© r.e.l. 7/17/14

Published on Rebelle Society 11.12.14

a single embrace

sometimes even

a

single

embrace

a touch

can help you build anew

…although vulnerable

as pieces inside of you

are ebbing, are fading,

you learn how to be alive

resilient, supple

and tiptoe forward

soles to the earth

step by step

to prize your beautiful

life

© r.e.l. 6/10/12

[also posted on redbubble]

a broken heart

a smile can speak a thousand words
but it cannot calm a broken heart.
how do you talk to a heart
and tell it to live in the moment
to tell it it’s been broken for a reason?
it has no reasoning
only feeling…

how, after convincing it to open wide
to give itself to another
again going to a vulnerable place
this time because it’s safe
because the other expresses heart and soul,
how do you convince a heart
that its message is received, appreciated with love
but that demons have eaten it
because it was perfect exactly as it was?

how do you tell a heart that it’s ok
to stay open and surrender
when it can think of nothing else
but the last time you told it this
answering its prayers?

how do you tell it that
its karma was shared with another
so you did it no harm
trust me this time and surrender
sent to me from the stars
just your heart in exchange for mine
your soul for mine
to be a colony in which to become each other?

a heart is a star
but it can’t shine when it’s broken
broken because love brings up its brokenness
surrender…
because it’s unknown how long it will take
to heal, if ever.

yet all a heart asks is
why do you walk away from something beautiful?

it does what you say though
and surrenders again…
feeling itself in everything
for guidance
but still it all tells it the same,
that the heart it opened for
is still open
just hidden underneath
and that it should hang on.

© r.e.l. 2/9/08

submitted to caesura 2/5/14

featured on Love Bytes on redbubble

featured on Poetic License Series in may 2011

posted for Poetry Potluck 5/1-5/7/11 doubts, fear, inhibition, hesitation on Jingle Poetry

posted for Poetry Picnic 10/16-10/22/11 on Gooseberry Garden

submitted to Knuckle Sandwich Publishing

i wrote this for you

I read this just now on a random blog and it touched me so:

i need you to understand something.
i wrote this for you.
i wrote this for you and only you.
everyone else who reads it, doesn’t get it.
they may think they get it, but they don’t.
this is the sign you’ve been looking for.
you were meant to read these words.
~anonymous author of I Wrote This For You~

It’s amazing to me that something as anonymous and vague can be so touching.  It speaks to my heart that writes to another, and sometimes goes unread.  Even if the reason is more heartfelt than ever.  How precious words are… that they can create the virtual person you love, that vanishes with a poof when reaching out to touch the imaginary ghost, which can leave you heartbroken.  How vulnerable words can be too, to be left hanging.