your wandering heart

April 27, 2015August 23, 2016 / my secret innuendo / 18 Comments

if you saw through my eyes and heart to who you are to me, maybe it would be different for you now in your mind that wanders.

if you saw my teardrops when i think of the way you turn away when i say it wrong, maybe you’d know the truth.

if you remind me of someone who i hurt deeply or who hurt me, maybe you’d know that any word or look could activate that and become you.

if you heard me explain through my wounds, maybe you could feel yourself and me better and then know why i am shielding you from me.

if you knew that i could and desire to protect you and know exactly what to do and how to hold you, maybe you would feel content now just imagining it.

if you knew that every day i imagine where you are and wonder if i could find you in my days, maybe you’d look for me.

if you knew just how much i care and my capacity to love, maybe you could feel my vulnerable self who worries that it would overwhelm you.

if you only knew just how much i could love you…

if you only knew what a hole your absence leaves, maybe you would come back to me.

if you knew how turned on i am just to be by your side, maybe your heart would smile when you saw me.

if you knew how awkward it is for me too to be alone, maybe you would see yourself in my mirror.

if you knew that i already know you from my dream last night, maybe that would help you live in the present right now and connect with me in the spaces between us.

if you knew that to look in your eyes revives me, maybe you would look into me more and see who you are to me.

if you settled into your true self and asked yourself ‘why?’, maybe your answer would be my voice and then you’d know.

if you truly become your heart, you will really feel me… do you still think i don’t care?

if you feel your breath the way i do, sense your presence the way i do, hold your moments the way i do, you would know how much you are loved.

Received Perfect Poet Award for Thursday Poets Rally week 81 on Hyde Park Poetry. thank you…

Published on Rebelle Society {poetry} 5.26.15

why don’t we…

April 3, 2015April 3, 2015 / my secret innuendo / 2 Comments

in a moment i can imagine myself there.

and you. you are there walking by my side.

the air is smoky because our eyes are glazed over.

i cannot see past your face.

we know we are here, and it doesn’t matter how we got here.

i think of you and this day in a time that is later.
i don’t need to find you now to work out the details how to get there.
i just know it’s the way you hold my hand that matters most,
the way you hear me when i don’t speak, and hold yourself toward me as if we are still flirting our way into each other.

why don’t we check ourselves in now to the rest of our lives?

please don’t tell me to go hug myself

February 14, 2015February 14, 2015 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

I have rose petals on my mind. They are lined up, as if placed mindfully by one person who cared. This person cares that the rose petals were all lined up, each touching, following each other to shore on their path to me. They are floating in the warm ocean toward me, direction swerving as the waves transmute the ocean.

These rose petals have something. They are love, ashore in my life. I am the ocean. I am floating now. This is all that needs to be said.

It is obvious that I have a big heart, and love only men who don’t know how to love yet wear an armor with a heart on it to disguise their brick walls they quickly build when real love—mine—comes along.

That doesn’t diminish my heart. So, Valentine’s Day, please don’t tell me to Go Hug Yourself or imagine your romantic adventures pictured on your billboards. (I plan to eat your chocolate samples and take a nap.)

You, the one I devote myself to, are expecting me to be someone… you’re waiting for it to happen, as if it’s up to me to turn you on by unleashing all of who I am. But in order for me to be all things, I need to do it in the right order. You need to Be Someone too. I need to first get to know your kisses, the look in your eye, the way you hold yourself, how to come closer to or move farther away when you feel overwhelmed, how to know if you’re overwhelmed or actually don’t know how to ask for me to come closer.

If you were here now in front of me, looking into me, I would tell you about my heart. I would tell you about its secret wish that I promised to fall in love and never leave it. It’s hiding alone, willing me to see its angles and curves first that blinded you and me. It is pure, speaking only in silence, waiting for us to argue it away or brush it aside as something else so that then it is what’s left, and believed. It won’t wait now — staring at us, smiling from within, feeling liberated. People will say we are in love.

I want to capture it in a story to tell myself until you are here, and I can practice my endearment speaking not away from you, but into you; I’m not afraid anymore to be real, to be spoken, to be inside you.

You are beautiful to me in ways I knew early on. I wanted to wait though until I felt you inside, until I loved you in the most precious way—from within me. I wanted to wait until the anxiousness and weeds that covered the truth dwindled and blew away, so that the complication wouldn’t ruin us in our sensitive ways, wounded hearts wild and uncompromising.

Caged for a while, with new freedom to be anyone it chooses, it is now volatile and unconditional. It’s safe when loved and alive yet destructive, needing to feel its pain and the process of knowing it’s okay—that love is okay—as I learn to trust my bruises.

When I write to you now, I feel safe finally, as if I have given myself permission (or you have) to love you inside you now, no armor needed. I love you, I do.

Published on Rebelle Society 2.13.15

Image source: tumbler (unknown)

i figured out a way

February 3, 2015February 14, 2015 / my secret innuendo / 13 Comments

if you were here now
looking into me
i would tell you about my heart
and its secret wish i promised

to notice that
i am inside you

and now
i figured out a way
to not miss you too much

submitted to Thursday Poets Rally week 80 on Hype Park Poetry Palace on 2/14/15

my voice as it describes you

January 2, 2015February 23, 2015 / my secret innuendo / 23 Comments

come to me with your confidence
and all
that you know i want.

you don’t expect me to be someone i’m not,
because you know i am vulnerable, right?

you can see the tenderness in
the reality of my defenseless heart.

i like my voice as it describes you to me

…and now, i have something i need to tell you

in person.

don’t ask me to show you what it’s like to lose a beautiful heart,
mine.
don’t let me go another day before i tell you i love you.

Won Perfect Poet Award in Thursday Poets Rally week 79 with Hyde Park Poetry

confidence in me
inching toward you breath by breath
i miss you today

I nominate Sina Saberi

you can’t hide that from me

December 14, 2014May 12, 2017 / my secret innuendo / 2 Comments

You are an enigma.
This is about you
and the secret you keep behind your eyes.
It’s unreal to me that you could be there for me.
I see your smile
when you look at me from the place inside you
that is for me,
in the moments when we are touching
or even speaking
as if it’s not happening
when it’s what I want the most
to be cherished by you.

You can’t hide that from me.
It’s not unreal.
When you come to me, I see you with a sixth sense.
You have words but are silent.
I can hear you with your eyes that are blue and clear
staring into me.
Just a tilt of you head
as you hide behind your glass halfway
is enough for me to see
all of it.
My breath is gentle as you come closer, seconds taking minutes.
We are in slow motion and I want that to last.
I want to continue to see your heart beating…

You are more real to me than most things.
I want you in a precious way.
A world is formed
without speaking,
not desperate, or touched with broken hearts.
I don’t know what time it is and it doesn’t matter how long we are here.

I can hear you behind your face that cringes
with the power of the world on your shoulders
against us.
I look into your eyes.
I want to know the secret of you
but you won’t tell me
so I find it
through days or weeks,
through many words and senses.
I can hear you still
even in your fingertips
that lightly brush against me.
You want me in a way that I hold dear.

I believe in your conviction
to your heart
to your trust
and you won’t lie to me.
I find it through the pauses between sentences, unwritten
or smiles that you can’t hold back
(and lips that know me).

I want to sit next to you and hold your hand
and know you are near.
I want to take care of you,
your emotions, your world,
as if I am holding your hand to help you think.
I don’t want you to ask me questions
because you already know the answers.
I know you are near even when you aren’t.
We already have many questions
with responses
throbbing inside of us.
I want to take you home with me
and get tangled in memories, in us.

Published on Rebelle Society 1.3.15

Image source: unknown

tell me why, as we sat on a bench

November 10, 2014December 6, 2014 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

you loved me.

i dare you to do it again, like the waves that crashed into our scene, unannounced.

we were sitting on a bench as the bus came by.

we didn’t take it.

we were there instead.

inside ourselves, building us.

tell me why we keep that memory a secret

from our days today, alive and awake

with present words and thoughts and senses…

tell me why that day goes unnoticed now,

the day we knew that you were a part of me…

image: Daniel Marquardt (Heart Nebula)

you float as i know you

November 1, 2014November 1, 2014 / my secret innuendo / 1 Comment

in the days when i loved you more than i loved myself
i floated, like light, above water, above myself

to a dream that is hard to forget
(i never forgot)
words that were dying to be shared
as hearts, sacred
opened up to melt onto the floor

together to protect each other, to protect themselves
voices whispered
tears of the past, of the present, of the future broke
presence that would live on and become patience

all at once, rebellious

October 24, 2014 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

sometimes i think i like chaos too much.

i can hide in it.

it’s like the chaos of a coffee shop, while concentrating.

i like to watch it build up, so that i have it, so that i can swim in it.

it soothes me to know its presence–its opposite of order.

it is rebellious, yet a container to work within, to be all things.

all at once.

it is also a puzzle, a trail to follow, to connect dots, to follow the rope on my way out.

it is me, my chaos.

a memoir of a special time

September 28, 2014December 14, 2014 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

encapsulating every inch, touching.

i imagine how your hands clasp mine.

we are a bravery that led to senses.

of understanding whispers, or of character in windows of time.

of future times, slowly with deep eyes.

like beautiful surrender wrapped up, frozen…

follow me to my heart that risks. vulnerable, slow down, slower. testing the dream, flames shift.

where your hands are a metaphor for your heart waiting for strength and a voice, waiting to begin and not end. to feel safe and live inside me to tell me your beautiful words.

little voice

September 24, 2014September 24, 2014 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

Screen Shot 2014-09-24 at 1.36.18 PM

dear little voice inside, you can have whatever you want. you choose.
your way is beautiful, its protection and opening, on cue according to rhythms and instincts. you are alive and i hear you pulse. i feel you hide and then come out with wide eyes and inviting heart. it’s perfect to shine when you do, and not because others fly by your serenity, or wish to light your fire. be you.

do you know that i will lay my strength beside you?

September 20, 2014January 4, 2015 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

Do you know that I will lay my strength beside you and surrender? Forgive me, but it’s who I am, weakened into broken submission when I feel you close. When you are as the ocean, you are my iconic metaphor with clarity—the kind that floats by unnoticed, hides in corners, or drops to the floor.

Do you know that I have it in me to wonder if it can be brave enough for you? I’m right around the corner of your confidence, wide awake with hunger, but I need you to hold me to show me. Hold me now, I ask you, because I can’t hold myself in this way. Make all of my toes touch the floor at the same time.

Do you remember  that I miss you? I wonder what you feel, when you believe it’s not possible to be with the me you know me to be. Am I an illusion that floats above your head while waking, that which you cannot comprehend, even to yourself? And still, I carry holes of you within me.

Do you know that my smile was always for you? It was hidden at the bottom of me. I was looking down, and within, really listening. I heard you there, when you saw my smile. I feel you know that.

Do you believe that I am typing these words just for you? I wonder if I should be there now while you read this. You are wondering why I’m not. I should have been. I made eyes with you across the room while you did though, and I lightly bit my finger in shyness as I watched you come towards me.

Do you know that I dreamed I was wrapped in you last night? You deserve an explanation for waking without me; it was a dream. It doesn’t seem fair to wait much longer, to wake to a pillow instead—where no one can see your face when you cry, to count the seconds to another day gone by before you should be.

Do you ever think of my shadows or yours when you brush against me? My tears seep through and tell you to stay with me in your presence that breathes even when it doesn’t try.

Do you remember our silent moments that connected us despite our lack of patience? I am working my way toward you. You are expression of desire met beyond imagination, by your side. You are delight at being enough to be wanted. You know what to say, even when no one else is listening. You are the experience of my teardrop. You are a gift.

Do you believe that your eyes melted me each time then and still do? Don’t give up on me. I am not going anywhere. I know that you are that which rises and you know me to be the one who senses you now, a reprise. And I heard you last night when you spoke to me with your dream, intense and beautiful. You spoke of a ride you foresee with ups and downs, receiving and holding. And now it is so close that I can taste it.

Published on Rebelle Society 12/19/14

Image source: gravityglue.com

do you know?

September 14, 2014September 16, 2014 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

do you know that i will lay my strength beside you and surrender?

do you know that i have it in me to wonder if it can be brave enough for you?

do you remember
that i miss you?

do you know that my smile was always for you? it was hidden at the bottom of me.

do you believe that i am typing these words just for you?

do you know that i dreamed i was wrapped in you last night?

do you ever think of my shadows or yours when you brush against me?

do you remember our silent moments that connected us despite our lack of patience?

do you believe that your eyes melted me each time then and still do?

dear precious tears

September 4, 2014January 14, 2015 / my secret innuendo / 14 Comments

who are you, precious life?

stay with me in your presence
that breathes even when it doesn’t try.
you see the potential that i don’t see in myself.
you cry sometimes
and prefer to hide…
surrounded by pillows, no one can see your face,
your weakness,
and you don’t have to be something you’re not,
something you feel others expect.

dear precious tears,
it’s ok
because you only come when your heart is shining
transferring all the opposite into you.
your water is not fear or anger
but freedom.
you are expression of desire met
beyond imagination, by your side.
you are delight at being enough
to be intimate
to be wanted.
you allow me to know that my space is safe
and you know what you need to say
when no one else is listening.

you are my gift.

Submitted to Thursday Poet Rally week 79 with Jingle Poetry

that which rises

August 29, 2014August 30, 2014 / my secret innuendo / 2 Comments

you are that which rises.

and you know me to be the one who senses you now, a reprise.

did you know that i heard you last night when you spoke to me with your eyes?

you were the ocean then, yet not.

you were an ironic metaphor with clarity,

the kind that floats by unnoticed, hides in corners, or drops to the floor.

you were that which you cannot comprehend, even to yourself.

for someone special

…what if

August 29, 2014February 23, 2015 / my secret innuendo / 3 Comments

You love the fire. You are it, moving quickly, emulating its spark. Your miles to go in your mind, before calmed, drive you. Transfixed on you I am.

Be you, be the you I have known. Smile at me until I melt into something else. You are beyond getting my attention. You make me know why I’m alive.

And now I’m on fire because when I first saw you, recently and not, I fell in love with you. All I knew from before, relived in a moment, rejoined with all that we created then, to be continued later. You smiled when you knew I loved you then. You knew. You know now.

Featured on Feminine Intent on Redbubble

Posted on Medium 3/18/14

show me why

August 8, 2014February 5, 2015 / my secret innuendo / 17 Comments

show me why i feel as i do now.

that i know between your thoughts
is a search for the same
as me,
you pulled my arms around you closer
when i lived in the past seconds.

that you are
bouncing back at me, a reflection
this feeling looking for me
when you saw me smile before you,
and knew as you dashed off
that my seconds would remain, ingrained in you.

that without you
i would still be spinning in my mind
day after day
intentions full and alive
but closed up
to wait another day
to see something that makes me different
when you spoke while drowning in your words
and i heard.

that as the days go by
my dreams lead me toward you
not because of me
but because of you
and who you are.

show me why
i have made the choice
to traverse the edge of crazy
to chose you.
to love you.

submitted to Thursday Poets Rally week 80 on Hype Park Poetry Palace

submitted to The Poetic Bond IIII 7/12/14

image: Stinson Beach from Mt. Tam (credits: r.e.l.)

posted on Micropoetry 6/13/14 for #reflection theme

posted on Medium 4/14/14

start here… you and me

July 17, 2014November 12, 2014 / my secret innuendo / Leave a comment

Photo “ghost of past” by Kalee Prue

I don’t want to leave you, or myself, behind. When your words are near, my inner smile becomes me. When your body is standing in front of me, my heart shuts down.

Why? I feel you more now that I left, as if a piece of me is still with you. I leave it for you to care about, given freely.

Hold me now, I ask you, because I can’t hold myself in this way. Why would I want to take the place of your arms around me, pieces of us touching, filling gaps sensing all at once? How could I ever be without you after having you?

You come to me in my dream, my seed (you are), and I’m special. I’m the one you’d do that for. Our secret. And we are the way it should be. How I could not have that, I do not know.

But now, I cannot ask or show you this. I can only sit in my car alone, wait and cry over my missed opportunity. My closed heart—again, protecting itself, ego on guard standing tall against its tears. (When you’re in front of me, I want for you to be the one to say what I dream, as if I transfer my dream to you, and now it’s heard).

Instead, I walk away, and so do you, words uttered yet unheard. Too vulnerable to ask simple questions in person: Will you be with me? Can I have you?

With anticipation of us, your playfulness shining, I’m open and there. I’m ready for you. I’m ready for us. I have you. And now you’re gone… I want you more now than I imagined I could.

Here in this moment, I feel your eyes and you are hurting too, voice silenced but saying No somehow, not allowing us to be.

And now I feel that I am the one who won’t allow us to be. I can’t look into your eyes easily now as we did that first day, when we knew the mirror looking back was us. I want to hold you now with my eyes closed and just know that we both remember how it started and why.

I’m scared to even look now to see if you’re there, to see you watching me waiting for you, tears in my eyes like a cloud covering my heart, drowning instead…

The raw words that speak now tell me that I missed my chance to have you; I’m wishing you wanted me too, and wondering why you don’t. And, if I’m wrong and you do, I wonder if it’s my fault that you don’t come running, and my fault that you cannot feel me now. Do I block my heart from you?

I wonder what I have done wrong and how I can tell you so you know who I am. Without this, I’m reaching out for something that isn’t there, or isn’t possible, where you are waiting for me to just let down my guard.

And next, I hear you tell me (in my mind), “Don’t you understand how much I want you?” (but it seems like a dream.)

If we have to start somewhere, let’s start here.

Published on Rebelle Society 11.12.14